For once,i just want to be okay...

So today I thought I would post,not only because its been some time,but because i feel like I needed too.This is like my other diary,and though this will never get as explicit or as in depth really as my diary will,this will always be there for me.Kind of like my single follower,whom id like to tell you that you have made me very happy!
Anyway,to start i wanted to tell you that im changing again.changing my outside appearance.Not really changing my personality,thats already had a major overhaul lately.I know ive mentioned that i went and had my lip pierced.So now ive got a facial piercing and a tattoo,big deal,it happens alot anymore.But i have moved up and am now starting the gauging process on my ears.No worries though,im not getting anywhere close to african tribe size,i just want some small gauges.Probably no bigger than an 8 or 6.And yes im aware this isnt very big.Ive also started to really change how i dress...Ive hung up most of the solid black clothes and tripp pants,and im breaking out all the colors and skinny jeans..its crazy really.In one year ive gone from this shy,keep to myself,do gooder to this out there,i dont give a fuck,strong minded person.Not everyone approves but really,thats why i do this.The ones that dont approve and push themselves away are not my friends.They were my friends when they could walk all over me and dictate my life but now that i have begun to put my foot down and tell them to back off,they are moving on.In a way it makes me sad because i hate to lose friends but in another way its a good thing because now i feel like a huge wieght is being chipped away.I feel like i am who ive always wanted to be,who i am supposed to be and thats a great feeling.No one deserves to be stepped on and pushed around.People like that,like i was,just have to find a way or find that one real friend who is going to tell you to get off you self-pitying ass and move on.Maybe its time we all just moved on you know? We change everyday,its a part of life,but its up to the individual to decide how much change is good....
Though i agree with how ive changed,i love it actually,i have found myself being pulled in and out by this tide that is my constant every changing emotions.I am a mildly bipolar person who,in one frame of time can be bouncing off the walls happy,and then you blink and im wanting to kill myself or hurt myself or am just yelling at everyone.I cant tell you why,cant really explain what it feels like.I cant even tell when its going to happen,and then sometimes it happens for absolutely no reason at all.Maybe it came out when i decided who i was,maybe something broke off inside me,a switch of sorts turned on.I dont know,Maybe ill never know...maybe im okay with never knowing why.I am ,however,not okay with this dark cloud coming in at the most inoppertune times and ruining my life.
This in turn leads to me getting super nervous and stressed out,and when im working i have to interact with people nonstop.When i get stressed or nervous and have to talk to people,i start stuttering...badly stuttering.I mean i already have speech problems as it is,i cant pronounce basic words and vowel sounds,but now i have to stutter? What is this? Lifes cruel joke? You give me issues being able tgo control my emotions,then you give me an auto-immune disorder that im trying to life with and struggle with every damn day of my life,and now you bring back my childhood speech problems that we got rid of once.Yea thats the horrible part,my elementary teachers spent so much time on me to get those speech problems to leave,and they did honestly,until about 3 or 4 years ago...then they came back,with a vengence....
Sometimes i just want to be"normal",to be okay...but then i sit back,take a breath and realize,wasnt this the whole point of my transformation?To be anything but normal? So maybe life has dealt me one helluva awsome deck of cards,but its all been for the better.Really it has.Because of it all,ive learned how to handle more,handle things better and just breath.Ive learned to just sit back and take it slow,theres no point in rushing anything.It will all unfold in due time,until then,i just need to enjoy whats here!
thanks for stopping by today,i know i was all over the place today and for that i apologize.I hope you were able to follow me a little bit. As always,thanks for visiting the graveyard!

Oh and one last thing before i go,if any of you have celiac disease or a gluten allergy,or you just want something new to read,check out my sister-blog "Gluten-free living,from the mouth of a picky eater",for some great product reviews,recipes,tips and more.Hasnt been updated in a couple weeks and its a fairly new blog,so there isnt much there yet,but keep checking on it,i promise it will improve!

Love shilo!

Who are you?

Who are you? A simple question,yet so complex at the same time.An answer to this question should be simple."I am a person." Instead,the answer everyone craves is one that requires us to dig deeper within ourselves.An answer that could aid or hinder our progress in the complex social stepladder.When someone asks you whos you are,what do you tell them? Do you start with your name? Most people do,so yuu may be wondering why this is a problem.This initial answer is not the problem...the problem is the inevible onslaught of questions that follow.These are the ones that probe into your inner subconcious,the questions that can ruin your life if your words arent chosen carefully.Okay maybe im being slightly dramatic,but in a world where social acceptance is everything,one wrong move can make you a pariah forever...Then again,maybe thats not a horrible thing...i dont believe you have to change,if people dont like you for the way you are,you shouldnt have to mold yourself to be the person the want you to be.
Be proud of yourself.We are afterall our own worst enemies,and if we cant love ourselves,neither can anyone else.Sometimes you have to make descisions for you.Ive begun to figure this out,i even believe weve covered that in an earlier post.I mean i made the descision to alienate my self from "normal" society but starting the body mod process.By that i mean im not going to like get devil horns and gauge every piercing i have but,i have been tattooed,and plan to eventually get more,and ive pierced my lip,and i plan to get more of those out there piercings as well.
When people ask me who i am i tell them.I am a person,i am Shilo.I am different and thats okay.I fight depression,and i fight with people every who say the things i do are to impress people,that im stuck up,im conceited.If thats how i seem,i guess thats okay,im happy and thats all that matters.I am a sister,and a best friend.I am one of the people standing tall to help make sure that one day the LGBT community will have the same rights as me,not for me,but for my big brother and my friends who are fighting this battle.I am a gluten-free teen whos stuggled with sickness and the jokes that insued about me being anorexic due to extreme weightloss and malnutrition caused by my disease.I am a persom,and thats all that i can be...
So who are you?

inside the mind of a torured soul...

i know its been a while since i last updated...in fact its been quite some time and i apologize.today i come to you with a pretty heavy heart,and an even heavier mind.my soul hurts and im tired...im tired of how i am sometimes,tired of the ignorance around me,tired of how people treat others,sad that my best friend is hurting and i cant do a damn thing for her.around me there has been so much loss,and so much pain.not personally but with friends and with people ive never met,but feel like ive known my whole life...the world is growing colder and im scared.
today i read a letter.it was by a mother to her gay son,who commited suicide due to the worlds views.all i could thibk about was my big brother,and the fear of who he do this too...the thoughts of,if only our parents approved,if only they were okay with it,than he could be more comfortable in his skin,and we could talk more openely about this whole thing.i dont understand why the world can be so damn againt people like that.i dont want to live in a world where people are so cruel and closeminded.i fight and fight for them to see that gay or straight,everyone is a person.their blood is red,the flesh is pink and warm,and their hearts beat,and break,in the same fashion as anyone elses.
another thing is,what are the words to tell someone tou are truly sorry for whats happened to them...how do you comfort someone whos hurting when youve not only not been in their shoes,but your not even really sure whats wrong to begin with...theres different people but the instances are exactly the same.i want to help people but i just dont know how.
my mind is twisting and tumbling in so many directionns.my head is literally throbbing,and im afraid of spiraling again...that happens when too many things build up.whether is be emotions,circumstances,the inabilities of my small mortal brain.it will just build and build until my body cant contain it anymore and then it erupts.its like a wildfire,my mind and soul being the grass thats consumed,my fragile body trying to contain the inevitable blaze...i will be fine for a long time and then it swells and i spiral,things get real dark,and im not sure what do or how to act..not sure how to put the pieces back together.that is scary.part of me wants to find a way to make it stoo,hence the stents and phases with the harming...i dont want to hurt people with what i do,but sometimes its the only way i can put out the fire...
why does life have to be so painful.if i cut,it hurts physically...if i let it builld up it hurts mentally and i cant handle that either.sometimes i dont know which way is up,and when i fall,sometimes im too tired to try and get back up...i dont want to die,thats never been my intentions,i just wish i could find a better to stop the pain,both mentally and physically,but i just dont know how.
have you ever wondered what its like when someone goes to cut...have you ever asked youself,whats going on in the head...well ill tell you what its like for me...
its like the whole world slows down,and its just me.im sitting there and im breathing,i begiin to space out like separate mentally from my body so that im half aware of the world around me.im aware to the point where physically i know whats going on,i can feel whats happening,but mentally,im gone.i dont care enough to stop what im doing and secretly inside i want to keep going.eventually the tears stop and something snaps me back and its like i wasnt doing anything.i never do it deep enough to scar,mainly because i dont want to have to explain what happened,but i do it to the point where it will draw blood,where it will leave a mark for a few days or a couple weeks,so i can remind myself what happened.
i dont know...its a constant struggle sometimes...iwant to help other people,but i cant because i dont even know how to help myself,and thats the most tiring aspect of all of this...im sorry about all of this.maybe im ranting,maybe im going on about nothing,maybe its everything...im not entirely sure but hopefully soon it will work itself out...time to try and sleep,hopefully by the morning some of this will have worked itself away.
much love readers,and heres to a better tomorrow....

okay so i know i already posted today but whatever ive got more to say.this post is all about being annoyed at little things going on right now.first thing that annoys me,is i have strep at the moment and well quite frankly,its painful, and very very annoying...i mean its gettin better but ulcers on the tonsels are intensly painful.
annoying thing number two,all these stupid christmas commercials and sale ads and whatnot takin over the world,its not even thanksgiving yet people,i mean come on...i wanna get fat on turkey before i even think about christmas shopping...grrr
thirdly im soo annoyed at the lack of gluten free awareness in the world.i mean they have five hundred different variations of cookin shows tellin you how to make pasta but not a one menttioning anything about gluten free cooking...i want people to care a little bit more...i mean,theres more of us gluten intolerant people out there than the world might think...the food availability and variety is getting better but still...
anyway this is short and sweet so byyyyyy
shilo

gay rights,and a bit of a recap.:*for my brother*

alright guys,its been awhile and for that i apologize.today though i would like to talk about something pretty big,well somethin really important to me,but first i have to tell you this,and well i also need to bring up the past as another small subtopic.so to recap,ive got a couple subtopics and then a main topic to tell you.so,first subtopic,my smartphone...

i got this new smartphone about a week ago,its a samsung replenish,its actually pretty sweet but,two days after i got it,i was already outsmarted by its obvious superior intelligence.i mean everthing was going great until it decided it wouldnt work.my wifi wouldnt pick up any networks,my three g and regular service wouldnt work,and all of this was in town where you would think it would want to work.sadly,it took five people,and me turning it off then back on to realize it had been in airplane mode all day...my phone is officially smarter than me,pathetic haha.

okay moving on to subtopic two.this ones kinda rough...my jobs been giving me stress and makin me all depressed and such again,and well weve covered before that i dont do the whole depression thing well,and a couple weeks ago,i kinda just let it get to me.the sad part it,well its all sad but still,i tried to use a box cutter,for reasons you should already know,abd well it didnt work.its crazy,when im not trying to cut myself it will happen a hundred times,but when im trying,its barely a scratch...but regardless,i have moved on from that,tryng not to let my job get to me anymore.

but anyway its maintopic time.we are gonna discuss the whole gay thing...you know those commercials where they yell at people for using the saying thats so gay,they are pretty popular nowadays,anyway,i used to say that saying a lot,and then my amazing,curagious brother,came out saying he was gay.well other than it being a total shock,i was really the only one who didnt completely flip out.i mean yea he was real annoying about it at first and he always yelled at me for saying that something was gay..but the more time that passed,the more i realized how much it could hurt somebody,how much it does hurt somebody.its not fair,and so i started standing up for gay rights.in highschool,i participated in the day of silence campaign,it brings awareness to gay an lesbian society who wont or cant speak for themselves.i let my senior writing class be a door to let my stance on the issue known,i wrote a couple papers on it.i am slowly becoming one of those stars on the commercial,stopping people from using the term gay as an insult...it makes me sad to hear and see the stories about gay teens getting bullied to the point of suicide,and this is why the issue needs to be addressed.so they have different ways of living sexually,but they are humans,just like us.they dont deserve to be treated this way.so this is for my brother,my old friends and my new friends,im taking a stand for all the gay kids who still are or ever have been bullied...its not nor will ever be fair and im going to be one to make sure it stops...

thanks for visiting today,love shi

Putting it simply....

Hey there empty world that is cyber space,or should i say,the empty world i inhabit  here with zero followers?Oh well either way,its good to be back here after my slightly too long hiatus.I guess i should do a little updating,i left my last blog a little bit of a clifhanger.I mean i dropped the big depression bomb,that was tough to let out but it feels better.But i would like all the little ghosts out there to know that my facebook project was pretty much a success.I havent felt the need to post a reason why life was good in about a month.Ive been happy,i havent felt the piercing sting of my depression.It feels like a new beginning.Next,my best friend Autumn and I started doing our little secret thing again.We share secrets between each other,its kind of like my facebook project but it goes much deeper than that,this is more personal.I share stuff to her that i would never post to facebook.So thats kind of my vice now.
Okay moving on,todays big discussion is on religion.Dont worry im not going to get all bible thumper on anyone,im meerly going to point out my views,how i feel.I have arrived at a point in my life where i have decided that no one religion should be better than the other.Each one is right in there own rights.I dont want to associate with one religion,when all of them are basically the same.Yes,i believe there is a god,a jesus,i believe they died for my sins,that there is a better place called heaven,and a worse place called hell,however i do not believe that i should call myself a christian,or a catholic,or any of those.To chose,in my mind,would place one religion higher than one another,therefore i wont pick.I will celebrate my religion in my own ways,in my own home,where i feel comfortable.I do not want to go to a church where ive always felt they want to force their religion upon you,tell you how you live your life is unfit or wrong,Its not right,nor is it fair.Im not an athiest,however if this were being looked at from a political standpoint,i suppose id chose the independant party in religion.Siding with parts of each and all religions,and not putting all my faith in one that may or may not be falted in how it practices.Does that make sense? I dont really know if it will to you but to me?It makes all sense in the world.
On a lighter note,my silly cat,Miss Tombstone,I feel may be resorting to a hunger strike soon,as she can no longer use her escape route into my ceiling.Now i love good ol' ceiling cat as much as the next lolcatz fan does,but when it becomes and everyday,multiple time a day,rescue mission to get her back to the safety of the floor,something had to be done.She hates me right now but she will get over it,cats are pretty forgiving....right?
Anyway,lastly,i just want to add that the best way to spend a sicky day is spending all day stretched out on the couch with your dad,watching multiple movies.He is feeling better,whereas i am feeling worse...Hopefully it passes soon,not that i have much to do with my time at the moment,considering ive been laid off from work but its okay,im enjoying the relaxation!
Whelp,im tired and the sickness is making it worse so im going to check out.Thanks for visiting the Graveyard today,sorry for the ranting!!
Peace and love,
SHILO

Update/anti-medication stance

Okay so i have to say,in todays post,im taking a stand against doctors.Most specifically,shrinks.They are pretty much all the same.They have you come into their office,they stare you down,make assumptions on the things you say,scrutinize every little detail of your every day life,do all these little things that always come to the same conclusion;YOU NEED MEDICATION! I mean its their fall back option.But really,why is it always the answer? Why do doctors feel that problems can only be solved by medication and therapy.Well im taking a stand,i have found a way that works for me.My own therapy,my own medication.And before you go making assumptions,i swear its not weed,im not going out and getting high,thats not me!Seriously though,my medication is more so obtained by facebook statuses!!!!
Okay that makes no sense,what i mean is,remember back on my last post or maybe the post before where i said i was going to start finding 1 reason a day as to why life is good???? Well ive got to tell you,today is day 22,and i must admit,i havent felt sad.Ive been super happy and really carefree.Im me again.This self-therapy has even made it so that ive gone 4 days without even needing to post a reason because ive been that happy.(but one the fourth day,i did go back and make up for it by posting 4 reasons.I made a promise to myself,ive got to stick to it.)Am i saying this will/would work for everyone? No,because everyone works differently.What i am saying however,is that medication shouldnt be the first resort of doctors.They need to explore the other options available.I mean especially for kids and teens.Im living proof that medication isnt always a necessity.
Im one of those teens who plotted suicide,ive been close to it before.I was,to a certain extent,a cutter.I did it,but i never took those sessions to the point where it would leave scars because i didnt want to have to explain it to people.But my depression was getting so bad recently that tiny things would make me explode.One little thing would send me into multiple day even week long or more depressed binges where no one could really get through to me.It was really impossible.I didnt want people to help,i didnt think they could.I had to help me.I had to find a way to help me,no one else.So my internal battle came to its head,met its match,hit that wall i suppose,where i just told myself that something has to give.The moment was a few weeks ago when one of exs just kind of apologized for everything and said that hed always love me,that there would always be a place in his heart for me,and that was kind of the last thing i got to hear from him,because the next day,he shipped off to texas for basic.But even that got my low to spike and i couldnt handle it,but with the inadvertant help of my bestfriend telling me it wasnt worth and getting pretty mad at me for gettin upset over a boy,it kinda woke me up.From that moment i knew i had to change.I needed to change how i was acting,who i was.I needed to be happy again,and not just for a couple days.
But now i feel confident.Between my poetry that i dedicate myself to,my daily status of inspiration,and my bestfriend,im finally getting to the place where i need to be.Almost a full month of happiness and i hoping with constant dedication,im looking at many more to come!!!!!!!!!
SO to recap,NOT EVERY PATIENT OF DEPRESSION NEEDS PILLS TO BE HAPPY,just sayin.
Thanks for reading guys,visit again
<3 Shilo <3