For once,i just want to be okay...

So today I thought I would post,not only because its been some time,but because i feel like I needed too.This is like my other diary,and though this will never get as explicit or as in depth really as my diary will,this will always be there for me.Kind of like my single follower,whom id like to tell you that you have made me very happy!
Anyway,to start i wanted to tell you that im changing again.changing my outside appearance.Not really changing my personality,thats already had a major overhaul lately.I know ive mentioned that i went and had my lip pierced.So now ive got a facial piercing and a tattoo,big deal,it happens alot anymore.But i have moved up and am now starting the gauging process on my ears.No worries though,im not getting anywhere close to african tribe size,i just want some small gauges.Probably no bigger than an 8 or 6.And yes im aware this isnt very big.Ive also started to really change how i dress...Ive hung up most of the solid black clothes and tripp pants,and im breaking out all the colors and skinny jeans..its crazy really.In one year ive gone from this shy,keep to myself,do gooder to this out there,i dont give a fuck,strong minded person.Not everyone approves but really,thats why i do this.The ones that dont approve and push themselves away are not my friends.They were my friends when they could walk all over me and dictate my life but now that i have begun to put my foot down and tell them to back off,they are moving on.In a way it makes me sad because i hate to lose friends but in another way its a good thing because now i feel like a huge wieght is being chipped away.I feel like i am who ive always wanted to be,who i am supposed to be and thats a great feeling.No one deserves to be stepped on and pushed around.People like that,like i was,just have to find a way or find that one real friend who is going to tell you to get off you self-pitying ass and move on.Maybe its time we all just moved on you know? We change everyday,its a part of life,but its up to the individual to decide how much change is good....
Though i agree with how ive changed,i love it actually,i have found myself being pulled in and out by this tide that is my constant every changing emotions.I am a mildly bipolar person who,in one frame of time can be bouncing off the walls happy,and then you blink and im wanting to kill myself or hurt myself or am just yelling at everyone.I cant tell you why,cant really explain what it feels like.I cant even tell when its going to happen,and then sometimes it happens for absolutely no reason at all.Maybe it came out when i decided who i was,maybe something broke off inside me,a switch of sorts turned on.I dont know,Maybe ill never know...maybe im okay with never knowing why.I am ,however,not okay with this dark cloud coming in at the most inoppertune times and ruining my life.
This in turn leads to me getting super nervous and stressed out,and when im working i have to interact with people nonstop.When i get stressed or nervous and have to talk to people,i start stuttering...badly stuttering.I mean i already have speech problems as it is,i cant pronounce basic words and vowel sounds,but now i have to stutter? What is this? Lifes cruel joke? You give me issues being able tgo control my emotions,then you give me an auto-immune disorder that im trying to life with and struggle with every damn day of my life,and now you bring back my childhood speech problems that we got rid of once.Yea thats the horrible part,my elementary teachers spent so much time on me to get those speech problems to leave,and they did honestly,until about 3 or 4 years ago...then they came back,with a vengence....
Sometimes i just want to be"normal",to be okay...but then i sit back,take a breath and realize,wasnt this the whole point of my transformation?To be anything but normal? So maybe life has dealt me one helluva awsome deck of cards,but its all been for the better.Really it has.Because of it all,ive learned how to handle more,handle things better and just breath.Ive learned to just sit back and take it slow,theres no point in rushing anything.It will all unfold in due time,until then,i just need to enjoy whats here!
thanks for stopping by today,i know i was all over the place today and for that i apologize.I hope you were able to follow me a little bit. As always,thanks for visiting the graveyard!

Oh and one last thing before i go,if any of you have celiac disease or a gluten allergy,or you just want something new to read,check out my sister-blog "Gluten-free living,from the mouth of a picky eater",for some great product reviews,recipes,tips and more.Hasnt been updated in a couple weeks and its a fairly new blog,so there isnt much there yet,but keep checking on it,i promise it will improve!

Love shilo!

Who are you?

Who are you? A simple question,yet so complex at the same time.An answer to this question should be simple."I am a person." Instead,the answer everyone craves is one that requires us to dig deeper within ourselves.An answer that could aid or hinder our progress in the complex social stepladder.When someone asks you whos you are,what do you tell them? Do you start with your name? Most people do,so yuu may be wondering why this is a problem.This initial answer is not the problem...the problem is the inevible onslaught of questions that follow.These are the ones that probe into your inner subconcious,the questions that can ruin your life if your words arent chosen carefully.Okay maybe im being slightly dramatic,but in a world where social acceptance is everything,one wrong move can make you a pariah forever...Then again,maybe thats not a horrible thing...i dont believe you have to change,if people dont like you for the way you are,you shouldnt have to mold yourself to be the person the want you to be.
Be proud of yourself.We are afterall our own worst enemies,and if we cant love ourselves,neither can anyone else.Sometimes you have to make descisions for you.Ive begun to figure this out,i even believe weve covered that in an earlier post.I mean i made the descision to alienate my self from "normal" society but starting the body mod process.By that i mean im not going to like get devil horns and gauge every piercing i have but,i have been tattooed,and plan to eventually get more,and ive pierced my lip,and i plan to get more of those out there piercings as well.
When people ask me who i am i tell them.I am a person,i am Shilo.I am different and thats okay.I fight depression,and i fight with people every who say the things i do are to impress people,that im stuck up,im conceited.If thats how i seem,i guess thats okay,im happy and thats all that matters.I am a sister,and a best friend.I am one of the people standing tall to help make sure that one day the LGBT community will have the same rights as me,not for me,but for my big brother and my friends who are fighting this battle.I am a gluten-free teen whos stuggled with sickness and the jokes that insued about me being anorexic due to extreme weightloss and malnutrition caused by my disease.I am a persom,and thats all that i can be...
So who are you?

inside the mind of a torured soul...

i know its been a while since i last updated...in fact its been quite some time and i apologize.today i come to you with a pretty heavy heart,and an even heavier mind.my soul hurts and im tired...im tired of how i am sometimes,tired of the ignorance around me,tired of how people treat others,sad that my best friend is hurting and i cant do a damn thing for her.around me there has been so much loss,and so much pain.not personally but with friends and with people ive never met,but feel like ive known my whole life...the world is growing colder and im scared.
today i read a letter.it was by a mother to her gay son,who commited suicide due to the worlds views.all i could thibk about was my big brother,and the fear of who he do this too...the thoughts of,if only our parents approved,if only they were okay with it,than he could be more comfortable in his skin,and we could talk more openely about this whole thing.i dont understand why the world can be so damn againt people like that.i dont want to live in a world where people are so cruel and closeminded.i fight and fight for them to see that gay or straight,everyone is a person.their blood is red,the flesh is pink and warm,and their hearts beat,and break,in the same fashion as anyone elses.
another thing is,what are the words to tell someone tou are truly sorry for whats happened to them...how do you comfort someone whos hurting when youve not only not been in their shoes,but your not even really sure whats wrong to begin with...theres different people but the instances are exactly the same.i want to help people but i just dont know how.
my mind is twisting and tumbling in so many directionns.my head is literally throbbing,and im afraid of spiraling again...that happens when too many things build up.whether is be emotions,circumstances,the inabilities of my small mortal brain.it will just build and build until my body cant contain it anymore and then it erupts.its like a wildfire,my mind and soul being the grass thats consumed,my fragile body trying to contain the inevitable blaze...i will be fine for a long time and then it swells and i spiral,things get real dark,and im not sure what do or how to act..not sure how to put the pieces back together.that is scary.part of me wants to find a way to make it stoo,hence the stents and phases with the harming...i dont want to hurt people with what i do,but sometimes its the only way i can put out the fire...
why does life have to be so painful.if i cut,it hurts physically...if i let it builld up it hurts mentally and i cant handle that either.sometimes i dont know which way is up,and when i fall,sometimes im too tired to try and get back up...i dont want to die,thats never been my intentions,i just wish i could find a better to stop the pain,both mentally and physically,but i just dont know how.
have you ever wondered what its like when someone goes to cut...have you ever asked youself,whats going on in the head...well ill tell you what its like for me...
its like the whole world slows down,and its just me.im sitting there and im breathing,i begiin to space out like separate mentally from my body so that im half aware of the world around me.im aware to the point where physically i know whats going on,i can feel whats happening,but mentally,im gone.i dont care enough to stop what im doing and secretly inside i want to keep going.eventually the tears stop and something snaps me back and its like i wasnt doing anything.i never do it deep enough to scar,mainly because i dont want to have to explain what happened,but i do it to the point where it will draw blood,where it will leave a mark for a few days or a couple weeks,so i can remind myself what happened.
i dont know...its a constant struggle sometimes...iwant to help other people,but i cant because i dont even know how to help myself,and thats the most tiring aspect of all of this...im sorry about all of this.maybe im ranting,maybe im going on about nothing,maybe its everything...im not entirely sure but hopefully soon it will work itself out...time to try and sleep,hopefully by the morning some of this will have worked itself away.
much love readers,and heres to a better tomorrow....