i know its been a while since i last updated...in fact its been quite some time and i apologize.today i come to you with a pretty heavy heart,and an even heavier mind.my soul hurts and im tired...im tired of how i am sometimes,tired of the ignorance around me,tired of how people treat others,sad that my best friend is hurting and i cant do a damn thing for her.around me there has been so much loss,and so much pain.not personally but with friends and with people ive never met,but feel like ive known my whole life...the world is growing colder and im scared.
today i read a letter.it was by a mother to her gay son,who commited suicide due to the worlds views.all i could thibk about was my big brother,and the fear of who he do this too...the thoughts of,if only our parents approved,if only they were okay with it,than he could be more comfortable in his skin,and we could talk more openely about this whole thing.i dont understand why the world can be so damn againt people like that.i dont want to live in a world where people are so cruel and closeminded.i fight and fight for them to see that gay or straight,everyone is a person.their blood is red,the flesh is pink and warm,and their hearts beat,and break,in the same fashion as anyone elses.
another thing is,what are the words to tell someone tou are truly sorry for whats happened to them...how do you comfort someone whos hurting when youve not only not been in their shoes,but your not even really sure whats wrong to begin with...theres different people but the instances are exactly the same.i want to help people but i just dont know how.
my mind is twisting and tumbling in so many directionns.my head is literally throbbing,and im afraid of spiraling again...that happens when too many things build up.whether is be emotions,circumstances,the inabilities of my small mortal brain.it will just build and build until my body cant contain it anymore and then it erupts.its like a wildfire,my mind and soul being the grass thats consumed,my fragile body trying to contain the inevitable blaze...i will be fine for a long time and then it swells and i spiral,things get real dark,and im not sure what do or how to act..not sure how to put the pieces back together.that is scary.part of me wants to find a way to make it stoo,hence the stents and phases with the harming...i dont want to hurt people with what i do,but sometimes its the only way i can put out the fire...
why does life have to be so painful.if i cut,it hurts physically...if i let it builld up it hurts mentally and i cant handle that either.sometimes i dont know which way is up,and when i fall,sometimes im too tired to try and get back up...i dont want to die,thats never been my intentions,i just wish i could find a better to stop the pain,both mentally and physically,but i just dont know how.
have you ever wondered what its like when someone goes to cut...have you ever asked youself,whats going on in the head...well ill tell you what its like for me...
its like the whole world slows down,and its just me.im sitting there and im breathing,i begiin to space out like separate mentally from my body so that im half aware of the world around me.im aware to the point where physically i know whats going on,i can feel whats happening,but mentally,im gone.i dont care enough to stop what im doing and secretly inside i want to keep going.eventually the tears stop and something snaps me back and its like i wasnt doing anything.i never do it deep enough to scar,mainly because i dont want to have to explain what happened,but i do it to the point where it will draw blood,where it will leave a mark for a few days or a couple weeks,so i can remind myself what happened.
i dont know...its a constant struggle sometimes...iwant to help other people,but i cant because i dont even know how to help myself,and thats the most tiring aspect of all of this...im sorry about all of this.maybe im ranting,maybe im going on about nothing,maybe its everything...im not entirely sure but hopefully soon it will work itself out...time to try and sleep,hopefully by the morning some of this will have worked itself away.
much love readers,and heres to a better tomorrow....
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