So today I thought I would post,not only because its been some time,but because i feel like I needed too.This is like my other diary,and though this will never get as explicit or as in depth really as my diary will,this will always be there for me.Kind of like my single follower,whom id like to tell you that you have made me very happy!
Anyway,to start i wanted to tell you that im changing again.changing my outside appearance.Not really changing my personality,thats already had a major overhaul lately.I know ive mentioned that i went and had my lip pierced.So now ive got a facial piercing and a tattoo,big deal,it happens alot anymore.But i have moved up and am now starting the gauging process on my ears.No worries though,im not getting anywhere close to african tribe size,i just want some small gauges.Probably no bigger than an 8 or 6.And yes im aware this isnt very big.Ive also started to really change how i dress...Ive hung up most of the solid black clothes and tripp pants,and im breaking out all the colors and skinny jeans..its crazy really.In one year ive gone from this shy,keep to myself,do gooder to this out there,i dont give a fuck,strong minded person.Not everyone approves but really,thats why i do this.The ones that dont approve and push themselves away are not my friends.They were my friends when they could walk all over me and dictate my life but now that i have begun to put my foot down and tell them to back off,they are moving on.In a way it makes me sad because i hate to lose friends but in another way its a good thing because now i feel like a huge wieght is being chipped away.I feel like i am who ive always wanted to be,who i am supposed to be and thats a great feeling.No one deserves to be stepped on and pushed around.People like that,like i was,just have to find a way or find that one real friend who is going to tell you to get off you self-pitying ass and move on.Maybe its time we all just moved on you know? We change everyday,its a part of life,but its up to the individual to decide how much change is good....
Though i agree with how ive changed,i love it actually,i have found myself being pulled in and out by this tide that is my constant every changing emotions.I am a mildly bipolar person who,in one frame of time can be bouncing off the walls happy,and then you blink and im wanting to kill myself or hurt myself or am just yelling at everyone.I cant tell you why,cant really explain what it feels like.I cant even tell when its going to happen,and then sometimes it happens for absolutely no reason at all.Maybe it came out when i decided who i was,maybe something broke off inside me,a switch of sorts turned on.I dont know,Maybe ill never know...maybe im okay with never knowing why.I am ,however,not okay with this dark cloud coming in at the most inoppertune times and ruining my life.
This in turn leads to me getting super nervous and stressed out,and when im working i have to interact with people nonstop.When i get stressed or nervous and have to talk to people,i start stuttering...badly stuttering.I mean i already have speech problems as it is,i cant pronounce basic words and vowel sounds,but now i have to stutter? What is this? Lifes cruel joke? You give me issues being able tgo control my emotions,then you give me an auto-immune disorder that im trying to life with and struggle with every damn day of my life,and now you bring back my childhood speech problems that we got rid of once.Yea thats the horrible part,my elementary teachers spent so much time on me to get those speech problems to leave,and they did honestly,until about 3 or 4 years ago...then they came back,with a vengence....
Sometimes i just want to be"normal",to be okay...but then i sit back,take a breath and realize,wasnt this the whole point of my transformation?To be anything but normal? So maybe life has dealt me one helluva awsome deck of cards,but its all been for the better.Really it has.Because of it all,ive learned how to handle more,handle things better and just breath.Ive learned to just sit back and take it slow,theres no point in rushing anything.It will all unfold in due time,until then,i just need to enjoy whats here!
thanks for stopping by today,i know i was all over the place today and for that i apologize.I hope you were able to follow me a little bit. As always,thanks for visiting the graveyard!
Oh and one last thing before i go,if any of you have celiac disease or a gluten allergy,or you just want something new to read,check out my sister-blog "Gluten-free living,from the mouth of a picky eater",for some great product reviews,recipes,tips and more.Hasnt been updated in a couple weeks and its a fairly new blog,so there isnt much there yet,but keep checking on it,i promise it will improve!
Love shilo!
